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 When attending dinner parties with ‘others,’ that is, people with wealth and stature and gorgeousness (the latter possibly financed by their wealth and/or stature), I can only recommend The Nod. As a last-ditch option to suicide.
Shrill talk doesn’t work. Honest talk doesn’t work. Hiring Michelle Obama to stand in your stead might work, though I have no experience to this end. I suggest The Nod.
The Nod is neutral, containing no anger, no emotion—but is inclusive and non-denying. “Yes I hear what you are saying,” The Nod indicates. “Yes, I am in some kind of moral restraint that needs for me to hear what you are saying, yet I do not agree with you,” The Nod says. “Yes, you are seated next to me, and I like that glint in your green eye, and I love the fact that you have a rescue dog, and I must not embarrass our hostess, who has made such a lovely party and yet I find you morally repugnant in toto, and must not show that I do.”
The Nod has many subtle ancillaries—for example, The Half Smile, The Mostly Frown, The Deadeye and The Is-That-a-Dead-Fish Eye?”
Employ at will, and hope for the best.
Sirs:
Have you made peace with your polluting company’s record through carbon offsetting? How nice for you! Do you know what carbon offsetting actually does? Not much? You are so right! The rich drive Humvees without conscience! How unexpected!
The Nod. Mmmmm. Hmmm. (Half Smile.)
Is your personal jet necessary? Really? I get it! To all forms of life? No forms of life except you and your class matter? Great! Is your hooker/girlfriend necessary? Or is the income only necessary to her impoverished family in Southeast Asia? Really? She loves you? She loves your mind? You are greening Southeast Asia with your penis? No???? It’s actual love? Wow!
The Nod—wisely—slowly and with much deference goes here (Dead-Fish Eye).
Do you need that hardwood couch frame from Indonesia, fellow travelers? Yes? It looks fab in your omelet nook? Yet the wood is shorn from a tree that needs to sustain hundreds of life forms that might go extinct? But your kitchen is much more important because you donated to Obama? And the life forms that might go extinct are so ugly and grublike! So unlike you???? And most of your house is cool-like-that—not killing! Except ugly forms of life! And your kitchen might host Hollywood people who love endangered hardwoods? Who might make films?
The Nod. With tears running down corners of eyes. Which no one will notice, or will not respond to. (You get the picture…)
And let’s get on with it from here. Fired—all of us eco-idiots—for “insubordination.” Or more likely: ignored! Fired for being ignored! (No Nod. We’re awake now. But not too awake in case we get fired for being too awake. Eco-Idiots must be in suspended sleep—no actual impact—just genial, great green vibes! And fab Panama hats!)
Don’t Nod here, unless you are asleep. If you are asleep no one cares. Or is that the point?
So don’t worry! All is well—sleep tight! Let the world get all downward and more polluted in your absence! And watch Fox News! Because they are fair and balanced. And one balanced side of them shows the truth, and half of these balanced people in the USA are listening and care! And are balanced! Totally!
Updated 6/24/10; originally posted 5/26/09.
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Great post.